Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Humorous Aphorisms

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  • War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  • If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

  • I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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